A path that started from little things

Phat Nguyen

Phat Nguyen

— 4 min read
A path that started from little things

This is a blog from series, which I haven't gotten a name for it yet, focusing my approach to identify and approach suffering in ​work and life:

If you haven't read it, I would highly suggest you read it.

If you can't read Vietnamese, please "Right Click + Translate to English", I have tried to translate my own post to English and found it to be helpful.

(1) Unfelt

“How am I supposed to heal if I can’t feel time?”

Leonard Shelby, the guy from Memento, talks to himself during a sleepless night.

After a fight in his house, Leonard’s head hit a glass door, and the injury took away his ability to make new memories. He lives by writing notes, sticking them where he’ll see them, to remind himself what to do next.

Watching Leonard, I saw myself reflected clearly.

How could I recover when each second slipped by unnoticed, unfelt?

No, I don’t suffer from amnesia like Leonard.

But for the longest time, my memories blurred into emptiness.

Life kept going, endlessly repetitive, and I just couldn’t connect with it anymore.

When did living become merely running?

(2) Tired

That day, again

I woke up 30 minutes ago, and I’m already running?

I hate sleep. I believed I thought this a couple of times.

I've told my friends also.

Because, sleep wipes my mind clean,

Steals my energy, makes me feel drained

Yesterday, I ran hard—why do I feel so empty now?

I run, always running.

I always have this notion in my mind:

That one day, I’ll be successful, I'll be winning big.

So I keep going, never stopping.

It’s like I’m chasing something, that never ends.

I’ve never done a marathon

but I feel like a runner

who’s been at it forever.

The more I run, The more lost I get.

Where’s the finish line? No idea.

My legs hurt, my brain’s tired.

Fog covers everything, I cannot see the path.

When did I last see a tree?

Did I stop to eat? Don’t know.

How far to the end? No clue.

(3) The familiarity

Then, I stop, breathing hard, heart racing.

Suddenly, the fog clears a little.

But stood on the road huge rock blocking my way.

I’ve seen this before—yesterday, the day before.

How many times have I given up because of rocks like this?

Today feels awful.

(4) The promise

I sit down, hand in my pocket, feeling some yellow notes.

Maybe they’ll help.

These are those notes I write

When my head’s a mess

I write to clear it

I write to make things real.

One note’s always there, listing three things I need to do every morning before I “run”:

  1. Push-ups.
  2. Cold shower.
  3. Coffee.

I have made a promise with myself.

(5) The misconduct

Today, I have skipped the promise with myself.

My head’s foggy, and after 30 minutes of running, I’m done. I know these three things keep me awake, but when did they become my rule? I can’t remember.

That rock looks bigger today, like it’s laughing at me. It’s got three words written on it:

  1. I won’t focus at work.
  2. I’ll fight with coworkers.
  3. I’ll burn out by tonight.

(6) The cycle

This is a trap, a stupid cycle. I know it.

Every time I skip those three things, I get tired, and it pulls me down.

Yet, paradoxically, the tiredness stopped me from doing the very things that could help me.

Why do I need these three things?

Do they even matter?

Or are they just something I hold onto?

It’s cold today. My hands shake in my pockets—the only safe place right now.

(7) The causal effect

Wait, another note, a bigger one.

It’s a map.

"The Causal Model of Myself" titled at the top.

I remember now. This is my map, indeed – my journal of days when rocks and fog take over—days I’m not okay.

When I’m worn out, my brain makes small rocks look like mountains.

It’s a chain of reaction: no morning routine → foggy head → bad work → stress and fights → a ruined day.

Looking at this map, I get it: skipping push-ups starts a bad day.

So I start doing them every day.

Those three little things—coffee, cold shower, push-ups—don’t promise a happy day, but they stop me from feeling like shit.

I also learned: if I don’t drink enough water, I get stressed.

If I sit at my computer too long, my head hurts.

So I drink water all day and get up every 45 minutes to walk.

Health and mind, I see now, is everything.

(8) The insight

That day, I stop running.

I just stand there, and think.

About success and hapiness.

I don’t know what success looks like or how to get there.

Where is it? No idea.

Will I ever make it in this lifetime? I'm not sure.

But I know, for a fact

If I win, it won’t be with a tired body,

or a stressed mind,

and a heavy heart.

That morning, it hits me. I drop down and do push-ups.

(9) The path

With that insight,

I started to see a path

A path that started from little things.

In the here and now.

I started seeing the sun again.

The rock in my heart gets smaller.

I can clearly see the path ahead.

Today, I keep going.

Suddenly, I felt lighter.

In these small, daily steps,

I’ve, finally, found peace in myself.

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